


Speechless

by irene_yongie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:48:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24224590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irene_yongie/pseuds/irene_yongie
Summary: Somehow, Jeno confronts Haechan about their blurry situation.Why do you keep running away?“Because it’d be too hard letting you go.”
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno
Comments: 8
Kudos: 59





	Speechless

**Author's Note:**

> hmm hi! i should be sleeping!  
> i haven't really proofread and edited this but i still hope y'all will enjoy this, it do be sad but also kind of soft.  
> (i've rated this mature because there's mention of sex and Haechan and Jeno being drunk but it's really really light and not explicit at all)

For the first time in his life, Haechan is speechless.

Him, the one who never shuts up, never stops bragging and never stops joking around. Him, the guy who stands by his beliefs so strongly he once got punched for arguing with a terf, the guy who always makes a point to make a point, the guy who loves taking part in unnecessary debates. Him, the smartass who always gets the answer in class. Him, the social butterfly, never out of topic for silly small talk. Him, Haechan, doesn’t have a fucking word passing his mind.

And Jeno’s staring at him, waiting for an answer.

And Haechan’s fucking mouth, so prompt to jump on questions and interrupt people, remains closed. 

Yet there’s so many things he wants to tell Jeno. There are so many interrogations he wants to ask and so many more he has to answer. He would so much like to tell him that he’s no longer afraid, but he doesn’t have the words. Jeno’s calling for reassurance he doesn’t know if he can give.

How can he tell Jeno that he’s this close to running away, hiding under his blanket and just keeping it there, them? How can he tell him that even the thought of them ending before they can begin breaks his heart so much that he's left paralyzed? How can he tell him that he’s the one he’s ever needed, that the safety of his arms will forever stay unparalleled and that reaching to hug him feels like the only solution when it’s devastating to admit that he’s _this_ vulnerable? How can he tell him that it’s precisely because he’s the only one that he wants that he can’t allow himself to want him? How can he tell him the fear piercing his guts when he knows his own insecurities could drive Jeno away? How can he tell him he’s a fucking mess?

And yet, he knows that his silence is worse than any answer he could mutter.

Because Jeno is a man of certainty, of firmness and of constancy, and yes of stubbornness sometimes, but never of variables. And putting him there, in this mist of infinite possibilities, by not answering – Haechan is ruining him. He can see the hurt in his eyes, slowly crawling from the doubts of his heart to grow. He has to answer. _Why do you keep running away?_

Why can he not be with Jeno, as simply as this dumb fucking adorable idiot wants them to be? Why can’t he let himself be loved? Why can he not even accept to himself that _yes_ , he wants Jeno to care for him, that yes, it’s okay if Jeno makes him breakfast and just calls him when he’s feeling down, that _no_ , he doesn’t have to turn his back on him?

It’s even more than that, it’s also all the feelings Haechan’s repressed through all the time they’ve been friends. The affection trying to spill out of his guts every time he sees him, poorly concealed by nagging and bickering. Truth is, he doesn’t know if he can offer better. He wants to though, he thinks. Maybe.

It hurts him, so much, leaving Jeno there – hanging, waiting for him. But he understands that with every second passing he’s making the probability of his biggest fear growing bigger and bigger. Jeno could leave. At any point, he could turn away from Haechan and close the door, realize that Haechan is an asshole and doesn’t deserve the unconditional love and support he offers without any expectations to get anything back. Because Jeno’s that selfless, that kind, that good, and Haechan hates, _hates_ ,how he doesn’t deserve him. Not in the slightest. But somehow, here Jeno is, offering his hand to take. Maybe now for the last time.

_Why do you keep running away?_

“Because it’d be too hard letting you go.”

Then wordless, Haechan now finds himself breathless. Looking up to Jeno is too hard, confronting his own words is too scary. Saying this out loud is… confusing. Haechan is lost between the relief of finally saying things he never dared to express, the fear of messing up and breaking their already fragilized balance, and the frenzy of words urging to spill. He doesn’t know how to place himself. Then, his eyes finally meet Jeno’s indecipherable gaze. Somehow, it gives him the comfort he needs to go on.

“It’s easier to leave rather than being left. I think I’m just the kind of dumbass that forbids himself to have something beautiful in case it’d break. Because if I allow myself to be yours, what tells me that you’ll want to be mine forever?”

“We won’t last forever.”

It’s hard, having to stand there, quiet and strong like Jeno didn’t tear his heart apart in the softest, most simple way. It’s hard, trying to keep the tears inside.

“We’re going to end. Something is going to separate us, maybe it’ll be ourselves, our fears, our fights, or the circumstances, or someone else, or hell, maybe it’ll be death. And yes, Haechan, we’re going to end, but before, I hope we’ll last. The question is: do you want to try?”

Jeno’s patient. He knows that. Haechan knows that. He knows that Haechan knows that. But they also both know that now, at this point, he’s had enough.

Enough of pretending like there’s nothing between them and putting up with Haechan’s unpredictable back-and-forths, like they don’t matter, like they don’t exist, like he and Haechan are only friends and that’s it. Enough of the subtle touches, of their thighs brushing under the table, of Haechan absentmindedly playing with Jeno’s clothes, of Jeno pretending kissing his cheek doesn’t mean anything. Enough of all those flying gestures and glances lacking the firmness of a promise. Enough of adding ‘bro’ and ‘dude’ every two sentences like throwing ‘no homo’ will make the blush of their cheeks any less red. Enough of the drunk, messy make outs during parties before the next mornings taste like aspirin, lies and regrets. Enough of fucking his friend before waking up in a bed Haechan’s left and that lingers with regrets. And, probably, enough of feeling like absolute shit, unworthy of love, and getting his own issues vividly triggered because Haechan can’t get his shit together.

“I’m sorry,” Haechan blurts out and only realizes a second too late that he’s not answering Jeno’s question, or that he’s answering it wrong.

“You don’t wanna be with me?”

Jeno is not like Haechan. He doesn’t hide his emotions under a cover of friendliness, instead, he lets the tear roll on his cheek and doesn’t stop himself from taking a step back.

“Don’t go!” Haechan cries out, his loudness probably too dramatic, but he can’t care less. He almost trips on his foot, reaching out to take Jeno’s hand. “I promise it’s not what I meant. I’m sorry I’ve been hurting you so much, and that I still am. I’m sorry I’ve been an indecisive piece of shit taking advantage of you. I’m sorry I can’t be enough for you.”

Jeno’s stopped backing away and his hand is in Haechan’s, yet he still feels so far-off.

“You did what you could do at the time.” Jeno reassures but Haechan wonders if it’s true, if he had more to offer. He can’t help to know that yet again, Jeno’s too nice to him. “It’s just that now, I need more. I’ve turned sick of waiting for your vacancy. And listen, I’m terrified. Because I want to be with you but I have no idea if you feel the same. If you feel anything for me other than vaguely horny when the emptiness takes over you.”

“I swear it’s more.”

“How could I know?! You devour me before vanishing before I even have the time to breath out! You hold my gaze like you don’t feel any shame, any regrets because nothing’s happened! But you still cling to me and care for me and are the amazing friend you can be. You give me hope, only to kiss me with your bitter lips. You’re making me run and run and run for you, only to crush my hopes when _you_ run away.”

“It’s so much more than that. I promise you, Jeno. You mean so much to me that’s why I’m so scared. You’ve loved, protected, supported me in such a huge amount already that I can’t help but to think that it’s going to be it. That eventually, and soon, you’re going to get bored of me and realize that you're worth so much more than me.”

“And can’t you let me choose if I think I deserve more?”

Haechan squirms his eyes shut. He takes a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm his nerves and gather courage. Slowly, he shakes his head. “No. I can’t.”

He doesn’t open his eyes, in fact he tries really hard to keep them shut so the tears won’t escape him. Seeing Jeno like that, so vulnerable, so ready to give himself and to offer them a chance, exposing his pain so rawly – it breaks something in him. His heart or a barrier? In any way, overwhelmed, he can’t take it. He can’t stand how he’s hurting the guy he’s in fucking love with, because let’s be honest there’s no point left to deny it, and in the most selfish gesture, his eyes remain shut. He hates himself for that, but he can’t bear how selfish he is.

He’s pulled into a hug. Jeno’s hand has left Haechan’s one to run through his hair and hold the back of his head, while Jeno wraps Haechan’s waist in his arm. Held tightly, for a second, Haechan lets himself feel safe.

Snapping out of it, he pushes Jeno away, his hands keeping him away by holding his shoulders.

“You shouldn’t be the one comforting me.”

He sounds ridiculous, well, he’s sobbing.

He takes Jeno in his arms, doing his best to envelop Jeno’s more athletic figure. He’s holding him, and he’s holding him tight.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, and this time, it’s the right thing to say. His tears mix with his whispers but Jeno doesn’t seem to mind having his cheek getting wet. “You have no idea how much I regret putting you through all of my shit. I’ll do my best so you’ll deserve me. I swear. I promise. I want to be worth it for you. I want to be yours. And it’s okay if you leave me, I just want to have you for a bit.”

Jeno rises his head, leaving the crook of Haechan’s neck, to dive his eyes into his. He’s cried too. His hands leave Haechan’s back to cup his face. It always strikes Haechan how beautiful and elegant Jeno always remains, even in the most terrible states. And in Jeno’s gaze, Haechan sees a light of hope. A spark Haechan has to set ablaze.

So, tenderly, in the softest way he can manage when he burns to give Jeno the love he should have always had, he presses a kiss on his lips.

It’s weird, because they haven’t really closed their eyes, still half-opened, but Haechan would lie if he didn’t say he felt an overwhelming wave of relief washing over him. It’s different from all the kisses they’d shared, it’s not rushed, it’s not sloppy, it’s not passionate. And this time, Haechan can do it again. He doesn’t have to run away and pretend like someone called him. So he does it.

He closes his eyes and he joins their lips for a second time. It’s better, way better than everything they’ve ever experienced – because it’s genuine. He can accept that Jeno is tender and likes to take his time. He can accept that he’s bringing himself into a committed relationship with a sappy romantic. He can accept that they’ll have to work to stay together. He can accept taking the risk. He can accept that he wants it.

For the second time in his life, when they break apart from the kiss, sighing out of content and resting their forehead on one another’s, Haechan is speechless.

**Author's Note:**

> sooo i hope you've enjoyed this. i did when i wrote this, not gonna lie, even if it hurts.  
> i live on kudos and comments so !!  
> 
> 
> you can yell at me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/kitty_track) and on curiouscat [there](https://curiouscat.me/kitty_track)!


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